Day 22: Fear of what is to come

Task—Write about fear

We recently moved a twin-sized bed into my two-year old’s room (He’s almost 2.5). His room has enough space we thought we’d take the transition slowly and give him the option of the bed or the crib for a while. Every night for the last week, we read stories in the big bed, and then we ask him where he wants to sleep—big boy bed or crib? He started out with little thought for the big bed, but on Saturday night when we asked him where he wanted to sleep, he surprised us by choosing his big bed. We got his crib comforts (a few board books, some matchbox cars, two stuffed animals, and a blankie—yes, it’s a bit excessive), and we set him up in his big boy bed. I tried to play it cool (careful not to show too much excitement lest he wonder if there was a catch), and I did our final goodnight ritual in the same way I always have. Then, I shut the door and turned off the light.

In three minutes, we heard his doorknob turn, and he padded into our living room, asking for stories. I told him we already had story time, took him by the hand, and lovingly helped him crawl back into the big bed. I repeated our goodnight ritual and let myself out of the room. I made my way to the living room and sat down with Wes to debrief about the day and the big-bed experience. Our conversation went on a long time and then I heard him, “Momma?” I walked into his room.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

“Wipe nose,” he responded. I hadn’t expected that one, but I got him a wipe, and made sure his nose was good and clean (it was spotless). Once he seemed satisfied, I crawled into bed with him. We snuggled a bit, and then I tried to break the news to him gently.

“Hey, Beck, in just a few minutes, I’m going to go back out there, ok?”

“Momma,” he responded.

“Yeah?”

“Momma!” he said a little louder.

“What is it, Buddy?” I asked.

“Momma! Crib!”

“You want to go back to your crib?”

“Yeah, CRIB!”

“You got it, Bud. There’s plenty of time for you to be in your big boy bed.”

And with that, we moved him and all the comforts back to his crib. I couldn’t blame him for wanting to go back to the encased coziness of his crib, especially when I think of all of the times I’ve transitioned to something new and longed to go backward, even if it were just for a few moments. Transitioning to the next stage, no matter what it is, is just so darn scary.

Perhaps I’m able to identify with Beck’s reticence because it’s a theme so present in my life right now. The whole reason Beck is moving to a big boy bed is that our family is preparing to move to a new stage as we add Baby Sister to the Hoffert lineup in a little over two weeks. Her upcoming arrival is a huge blessing to us, and we can’t wait, but there are pockets of anxiety that pop up when the reality of what’s in store hits us. From listening to other parents, our feelings are not unique because there’s anxiety with every transition we make in our lives. We worry that Beck won’t get enough attention. We worry that we won’t be ready. I worry that I won’t be feminine enough to be a mother to a little girl, and I fret about not knowing how to French braid. Logically, I know that she will be born without enough hair to French braid and YouTube could teach me to braid anything if I really want to know, but often my brain’s train of anxiety for what’s to come cannot be slowed by logic.

Though fear of life’s next stage is normal, next staging is impossible to avoid. Eventually the unknown stage will move to the present stage because as the song says, “Time keeps on ticking into the future.” And the truth is that sometimes, our fears are realized! However, I’ve always found that we have the tools we need to get through even the scariest of transitions; that’s the grace of God at work. We won’t escape pain and ego bruising, but somehow, we do march on, a little stronger for the next transition that lies before us. The best we can do is open our arms to what is in front of us because inevitably our hearts will follow, and we have much more resilience and strength than we realize.

If I am still having these fears and learning these lessons at age 37, it’s obvious that my child, who is just starting to see that new stages await him, will have a few fears about what’s ahead of him. It’s nice to know that I have a little experience with this one, so I can empathize with him. At bedtime tonight, Beck tried the big boy again. He asked to go back to the crib after about half an hour. We moved everything back again, and we’ll do it again if we need to. We’ll walk together and figure it out as we go, but Beck is going to love sleeping in that big bed eventually. I hope Beck will learn to open his arms and feel comfortable taking a few risks, and I hope that his little heart opens to whatever is in front of him. I believe God has given him the strength he needs for whatever lies ahead of him. In fact, I believe God has given us all strength like that. But, sometimes we need a strength reminder because transitions are genuinely scary. Stand tall, open your arms wide, you have the strength you need! Your heart will follow!