Day Five: To My Son . . .

Day 7--Write a letter to your children or to your younger self.

Dear Beck,

It was three years ago that I learned you were going to be joining our family. The first few days that followed were quite confusing. My doctor asked me to give some blood, so we could make sure you were doing ok at that early stage in the game. The results of the blood tests did not look good, and I was told to prepare for a miscarriage. My heart ached; I had felt something special with this pregnancy, and I couldn’t believe I’d gotten it wrong. He asked us to keep up the blood tests just to see what would happen, and eventually the numbers did start to double like they were supposed to. We went in for an ultrasound, but it was so early, we couldn’t tell if your little heart was going to beat or not. We waited for another week, a week that seemed to travel with molasses lethargy. I could barely make myself engage in anything. I was afraid if my mind traveled in any direction other than your arrival, I would jinx everything. When we went back the next week for a second ultrasound, I braced myself for the worst, but when the doctor pulled up the screen and looked around, we saw your little heartbeat. That’s all you were, a beating line, and I’m pretty sure we had to ask Dr. Bachus to point you out to us twice. It was clear to me, even at that early stage that you were a fighter, that you had a strong will, and that you were never going to be to be counted out.

Now, you are two, and you are everything and more than I could have ever hoped for my son to be. You are funny, smart, and active. You like Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk although the only things you really know about them are what you have learned on a terrible set of YouTube videos where they take turns driving tractors into the ocean. I should never have let you start watching that. You like riding on your tractor, pulling your wagon, and running in circles. You think sending cars down ramps is the best, and I have to say that it has become one of my favorite activities, too. You would eat yogurt as a side dish for every meal (and sometimes you do). The other day we heard the song “Lean on Me” while we were driving in the car and you identified the piano. It made my heart leap, not that I can do much more with a piano than identify it, but I love sharing music with you. Seeing you dance or singing a song with you is one of the happiest parts of the day.

We are constantly learning about doing life together, Buddy. When you throw yourself belly down on a coffee shop floor, I have no clue what my next step should be. Or that time your mind exploded from your head after we’d been on the plane for what seemed like forever and you started kicking the plane and the seat and me, I really wasn’t sure whether I should wrestle you to the ground or hand you a lollipop. And though that was last week, I’m not really even sure what I did do. But, when you start a conversation with the person behind us at the grocery store, or when you run into childcare at church like you are the welcome wagon, my heart beams forth from my chest. When you start singing “True Colors”, and it’s obvious you know all the lyrics, I want to soar through the clouds. We’re pretty similar, you and me, and it delights me.

You are already quite independent, and I’m proud of you for it. That independence is a gift from your dad. And as the years pass by, you’re going to call for more and more independence. I pray that I can empower you as you do it. I also pray that you know a couple of things:

1. Your feelings are always okay. You can feel anything you need to feel—disappointed, hurt, angry, sad, elated, excited, anxious. You’re entitled to feel what you feel.

2. I will do my best to support you, to listen to you, to offer advice when you ask for it, and to keep it to myself when you don’t ask for it. And I will try to remember that your feelings are not my feelings, and I will try not to take your feelings on as my own.

3. I will love you unconditionally. These days, I recite the last page of Wherever You Go, My Love Will Find You with you. And at some point, I’m sure we’ll stop doing this, but for now, we say, “You are my angel, my darling my star, and my love will find you wherever you are.” Tuck that away in your heart, Buddy. Wherever you are, whatever has happened, my love will always flow freely to you. There’s nothing you can do or that can be imagined that could separate you from the love of God or the love of your dad and me.

4. You and I will make mistakes, and that’s awesome. We’ll learn from them, and we’ll do better the next time.

The month ahead is going to be a big one for our family. We’re going to welcome your little sister to our home in one short month. I will love you both forever, and I hope I can help you love each other and become the kind of siblings who choose to be friends as adults. She’s going to be so fortunate to have you, and B, you’re going to be so fortunate to have her.

We’ve got a lot of life left to figure out, and I’m so grateful you are here to be my little wing man. Everything is more fun when you are there.

I love you, Buddy!